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Why this hesitance? In some cases, they don’t want to be seen by their partner as anxious. Sometimes, clients are reluctant to do this. For this reason, I ask men-especially men in committed relationships who nevertheless come to see me on their own-if they would be willing to make their partner a part of the therapeutic process.
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And that means looking at both members of a sexual partnership. I look at the whole picture-the whole relationship-and work from there. I like to tell my gay male couples that I can help them connect their hearts with their genitals. How Do I Approach These Problems with My Own Clients? This is a problem that both gay and straight couples experience, but I find that gay men in particular can get stuck at these crossroads because satisfying, erotically-charged sex is such an essential ingredient to maintaining the integrity of the relationship. But other couples hit that point where there ceases to be a free-flowing, spontaneous sexual charge, freak out, and land in my office. Some couples move through this period organically and find their way toward responsively-attuned sex. Slowly, however, these chemicals stop being secreted, and this is when the sexual dynamic usually shifts. Think of it as nature’s way of ensuring we stay interested in and focused on our partner. During the first six to 18 months of a relationship-when the relationship chemicals are doing their thing and two partners’ brains are high on this neuro-chemical cocktail-sexual desire is usually spontaneous. Then, once a relationship really gets rolling, I often help couples navigate the sexual shift from spontaneous sexual desire to a more relational, responsive desire. I help my clients unpack the love-lust split that so often occurs and, together, we make sense of what’s going on so they can eventually sail toward more fulfilling sexual seas. This pressure alone can cause problems inside the bedroom and out. But whether we want to chalk these dynamics up to hormones and behavior and/or the urban cultural milieu of gay dating in a big city, it can put intense pressure on partners to have sex that is mind-blowingly awesome. Of course, there’s nothing inherently bad or wrong about any of this. This data, of course, is primarily based on North Americans who use the OKCupid dating app (which is a relationship based app and not a hookup app like Grindr), however, it goes to show that homosexual intimacy can be just as mundane as it is for straight people even if gays are having sex before entering a relationship. Ninety-eight percent of gays have had 20 or fewer sexual partners, compared to 99% of heterosexuals. Or in some cases in which the sex isn’t so great, they enjoy the relationship and each other’s company so much they develop an investment in the sex becoming great.ĭespite media portrayal that gays are overtly promiscuous, a recent study by OKCupid found that homosexual men are only 1% more promsicous than heterosexuals. If the sex is good, then these men become interested in dating the other person. While sex is an important component to any relationship, gay men often experience sex as the top priority, and so sex comes first: it’s the doorway to a relationship. This can make things complicated, as there is often so much riding on sex with gay men. Meaning that while a person may be an ideal dating partner, this does not necessarily translate into them being an ideal sexual partner, and vice versa. And one of the dynamics I often bump up against with these clients in particular is the gap between sexual and relational compatibility. As an openly gay therapist who specializes at the intersection of couples and sex therapy, a large number of the clients I see are also gay.